Friday 27 March 2015

Parenting: When to push - and when to let go

Pushy parents.  No-one likes them. No-one wants to be known as one.

And yet...

Sometimes children need to be pushed.  I've lost count of the conversations I've had with other parents on the subject. Your child shows an aptitude for something but is nervous about pursuing it.  Do you coax and cajole or accept their reluctance? Or - and this tends to happen more as they get older - your child has already proven they are good at something but insists on giving it up.

When do you push them forwards and when do you let go? I wish I had the definitive answer. I'm pretty sure I've called it wrong a few times myself already.  Along the way, however, I've picked up some helpful guidelines...


Safety first
The one activity I insist that my kids stick with is swimming. Until they are water confident, the lessons continue. As for the rest of their sporting activities, as long as they exercise, I'm happy for them to try different things.

See it through - at least in the short-term
The plaintive "I want to stop drama/gymnastics/piano" inevitably strikes up halfway through the lesson block.  At Average Towers, this is another non-negotiable: If we've paid for the term, we stay for the term.  By which time, they've often decided they want to continue.  If not, then the bigger "Are you sure?" conversation takes place in the holidays.

Get to the heart of the matter
As a child, I gave up ballet lessons because another little girl repeatedly pulled at my leotard. I never told my parents why I wanted to give up; I just insisted that I did.  As an adult, I realise how easily this issue could have been resolved. Make sure you know the real reasons behind your child's decision. It may be nothing to do with the activity itself.  And it may be easily sorted too.

Same activity, different set-up
You know they're good at it.  Deep down, they know they're good at it. But something about the existing arrangement isn't working.  Could they go on a different evening - with different children, or a different instructor?  Does another club offer the same activity that they could try instead? Constant chopping and changing isn't recommended. But a one-off switch to avoid a personality clash with a coach, for example, might be worth exploring.

Over to them
There comes a point when children want to take some responsibility for their own decisions.  If older children persist in their desire to drop something, you may just have to accept it.  Many of us return to these activities in adulthood.  If it's meant to be, they'll find their own way back.

Time to relocate my ballet pumps?

Do you struggle with knowing when to push your children and when to let go? Leave a comment and let me know.

Enjoyed this article? Why not like Average and Proud on facebook or follow me on Twitter?

25 comments:

  1. Go for it Clare...adults ballet lessons at Evolution! Xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! You're on the ball this morning Mrs C ;-) x

      Delete
  2. That's a really difficult one. You have some great advice here and I totally agree with the swimming one...it's a matter of safety, the rest is flexible.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks very much Karen. It's a thorny issue for sure!

      Delete
  3. It is a tough one. We haven't reached this point in time yet, my daughter has recently started singing lessons but loves it but I know when I was a child I stopped dancing and my mam didn't try to talk me out of it or anything, and now I wish she had just pushed me a little bit because I'm disappointed I stopped!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. This one certainly is a tough one to call. I just wish my blog post included more answers!

      Delete
  4. These such sound advice. I'm a long way from having to having to make these decisions with my daughter (she's nearly one and half now), but this will definitely be something I keep in mind when the time comes. I like your point about getting to the heart of why a child is giving up an activity. I never thought to investigate further as to the real reason why--a conflict with a coach or a bully in the class, for example. Doing this alone will save us time and headaches in the future, I'm sure of it. Thank you for sharing. Stopping by from #pocolo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maria, thank you very much for stopping by and taking the time to comment.

      Delete
  5. Great points well made! I always make my kids stick things out for at least a term!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Vicki. It's nice to know I'm on the same page as others!

      Delete
  6. Great points. I don't like to push but I try to encourage. Our daughter is very talented in a number of sports, especially swimming and ballet and sometimes it can be a fine balance. Most of the time she pushes herself. #PoCoLo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Charlotte. It sounds as though you've got the balance just right if your daughter is self-motivated :-) I really appreciate you taking the time to comment.

      Delete
  7. Great points. I don't like to push but I try to encourage. Our daughter is very talented in a number of sports, especially swimming and ballet and sometimes it can be a fine balance. Most of the time she pushes herself. #PoCoLo

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is exactly how we approach it. It's disappointing when despite your best efforts they still insist on giving up, but sometimes they find something more suitable and enjoyable which, after all, is the whole point.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely! Thanks so much for visiting and commenting. It's a relief to know that others share the same challenges.

      Delete
  9. This is great advice and perfectly timing as my oldest is starting school and I don't want to push too much or too little. It's scary to find the balance to teach them the right lessons. Thanks popping over from #pocolo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jenny - thank you so much, I'm really glad it helped. I hope all goes well at school :-)

      Delete
  10. Super good advice! It is a very fine line to walk as parents, but sometimes we just have to go with our gut!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much. I agree - when all else fails, go with your gut!

      Delete
  11. This is a great post. I hadn't really thought about it like that. My daughter (who is only three) has quite recently started tap and ballet, and I have said a few times that I won't push her to go if she doesn't like it (even though I want her to) but I just hadn't thought thought about it this way before. Obviously if she starts to hate it I won't make her go but I will look into it more first. Great tips x #PoCoLo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Louise. I hope your daughter continues to love her dancing :-)

      Delete
  12. This is a great struggle to me as I myself doesnt know when to go on and when to give up on things. How can I teach my son how to go on when I give up easily myself. #pocolo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, I think most of us have our struggles with this one! I bet you make more good decisions - for yourself and your son - than you give yourself credit for. Thanks for commenting Merlinda.

      Delete
  13. This post really resonates with me. We asked Grace to make a proper decision - and commitment to her piano lessons. We didn't want to pay for them for her to give up in 6 months time. She needs to see it through to her teens. She agreed and is now doing really well. I think it is best to find one thing you are good at and go for it. Thank you for linking to #PoCoLo x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sounds like a really good way to deal with things Victoria - have the serious discussion upfront so that everyone is clear about the commitment. I hope Grace's piano skills continue to flourish :-) x

      Delete